Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in alpha_y_beta's LiveJournal:

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Friday, May 16th, 2008
3:31 am	dear journal, lemme bore you! so everything has been all right. right now i'm in a sort of dilemma phase. my job has starting getting particularly shitty. so i was told by my sister-in-law that they are hiring photographers at the JC Penney potrait studio. sounds good since a. my sister-in-law's friend works there b. my sister-in-law used to work with this girl at a different potrait studio c. i was the photographer at my sister-in-law's wedding d. i like taking pictures e. i'll get paid more than i do now f. for doing probably less than half the work i do now sounds like a sweet hook-up. i did consider the fact that all of my sister-in-law's friends are really weird and annoying and bitches. but ya know, whatever, it'd be worth it. but, then, oh no! i got mono. i think anyway. my doctor is taking forever getting my test results back. so i feel like an ass calling work everyday saying "i haven't got my results back yet....but i MIGHT have mono. so i can't work." but then someone said to me "don't stress out about it. your health is more important than your job and you're too sick to work anyway." and that was really simple to say. but i was like "wait...that's so true. why am i freaking out? fuck ittttt." now i'm just hoping that i DO have mono and that it will be gone soon so i can have excused time from my current job and then still be able to apply for that other job before they hire someone else. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 18th, 2005
5:00 pm	i'm just extremely bored. everyone is out or content at home. i'm waiting for a reason to leave. maybe i'll go for a walk in the dark. Current Mood: bored (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
12:17 am	"you haven't called me in weeks, and honestly it's bringing me down. there's nothing to live for when i'm sleeping alone. i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me. i feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me." i cannot stop listening to this song. i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 5th, 2005
10:44 pm	in order to touch one's heart, you must practically kill them first. i wanted to put my hands around your ventricles and love you harder. in order to clasp the life inside someone, you must at the same time crush it. and you will. to love him is to kill him. and, officer, see, that's just what happened. honestly, now. please, understand. when we were kids we thought we were such rebels at the grocery store, entering through the exit door. now, we're grown and you think you're better on your own. you don't feel guilty for doing coke anymore. and she shouted "if i can't trust you, how can i love you?!" he never answered. [maybe he thought it was a rhetorical question.] but she did anyway. (wow, all of this sounded a lot better when i thought of it earlier. i had it worded much better.) Current Mood: blank (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:16 am	okay. seriously. say something to make me stop crying. because honestly sometimes i think i could just disappear and no one would care or even notice. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 4th, 2005
11:38 pm	so, i'm not even going to lie: i feel like crap. somedays i look so ugly, i want to cut my face off with shards of mirror. calories and MTV. i wonder if that could ever be me. i take it all in. til i'm fat and i'm sick. til i'm full of being empty. i'm done and coming undone. myspace, cali, effin scene. so cliche, your being "obscene". with so many pretty faces, which one will be mine? so vain. plastic trees. sick, sick with pretty disease. all i know is i don't want to die alone. Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
2:20 pm	abnormatron. i feel weird lately. so weird. i don't know what i want to do. but i'm bored. and tired. i just ate a lot. i feel full and lazy. i think i'm going vegan. why? i don't know. porque. i want to feel alive period i want the i in my name to be dotted with a heart. i want to feel some kind of normal. i'm just random. totally zombie. motivation, where? please, send help Current Mood: sedated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
8:50 pm	AsdF i've been listening to 94.9. longing for the summer sky. take be across the street to the carnival. and kiss me in the parking lot, leaned up against your car. smile to me. hold my hand. and make my heart squeam. baaaaaaaaBY!, love. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 5th, 2004
1:49 pm	optimally mine. [copywrited material] i wrote a new song. i would say "sing along" but you don't know the beat, so shut up, take a seat. i wanna lose weight, learn to concentrate, regergetate what i wanted to say. cause i'm been eating my words, and you've been shooting the birds. i'll attempt to imitate those who are great, contemplate how to cease the day. haven't you heard, now i'm singing like birds, and throwing up words like baby worms. to the mirror, i whisper how dearer i miss her. reflect on reflections. interjected injections. she hopes one day you'll see, how much you've missed me. but i really don't expect anything at all. i'll play the ball where ever it falls. i've got new found faith i can make just decisions. without schemeful schisms or ([un]super)vision. cause i've got optimism. farewell, indecision. Current Mood: chipper (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
10:48 pm	ow. my eye is bleeding! [the left one. the only one that fully functions. the right has become obscolete due to my banging swoopover.] red tunneled vision. hurts. Current Mood: stressed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 14th, 2004
10:49 pm	oaky. nothing important is happening. i feel really out of place lately. like i really, really don't belong here. i don't know what to say to most people. but sometimes i fnd myself talking along anyway, not thinking about whatever it is that i say. when i'm with a group of people, i get the overwhelming urge to turn my back and walk away. where to? who knows. the edge of the earth just to sit and comtemplate, reminsce, analyze, breathe. people see busier these days. with their relationships mostly. if you asked me what i did yesterday, i couldn't tell you. each day is pretty much a repeat of the last, even though i do different things and think different thoughts. i've been clusmy and careless lately, restless and off set. seems like my friends have been really critical of me lately, or maybe i just never realized how rude, mean and sarcastic so many people are. but anyway, it's had an unusual effect on me. everytime after someone calls me an idiot or lazy or fat or something, for just a second or two, it's so hard not to cry. after that, i can't even recall the insult. i'm unmotivated. i think i have straight A's this grading period. but i know some kids have higher grades than me, and it's no big deal to me. so i'm not excited about it. eh. kinda bummed lately. every other day i feel really social and make efforts. every other day i feel so cheerful i could sing. but other days.... everything seems so unimportant. i don't know quite how to explain this or what to do. fearless. without anyone to impress. if i had any crush, it's pretty faded now. i don't even understand human love and how people connect anymore. it just seems so weird to feel so much about a person when we're all really the same. even physical attraction, we all have the basic same make up, faces and bodys, hair and limbs. i feel really ADD lately. thinking so constantly, not about nothing, about things that seem deep, but i can never remember. i'm kind of in a bad mood, kind of happy, kind of in no mood at all. hm? i really want to take a safari tour in Africa and just run. i probably won't feel the same tomorrow. but it sounds like bliss right now. i wish i knew why i felt like this. ...or not. i'm been pretty ignorant lately. i don't care and i don't even want to hear it. rabid mood swings like whoa. i don't even know what to think anymore. just tired, tired, sooo tired. i had more to say. but i can't remember. uhh..... jitters? for some reason, i have this impulse to fall to my knees in the middle of the hall, close my eyes and yell "I'VE BEEN SCREAMING FOR YEARS BUT IT GETS ME NOWHERE.GET OUT THE BUTCER'S KNIFE." Current Mood: blah (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 11th, 2004
6:25 pm	i don't know. i ran out of peanut butter today. i know it's not a big deal... but i eat peanut butter EVERY DAY. and it means so much more to me, than just a spreadable... spread. Current Mood: disappointed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
10:07 pm	lonesome sundown. i'm going away [camp] for a week. i'm kinda scared. i get homesick. i don't know. i don't know why i'm so hesitant to get to know people. i don't know why the worst thing in the world is having someone see you cry. i don't know why i assume no one gets me when i never even try to tell them what i think they won't get. i don't know why i feel like the only one on the earth sometimes. or why i never make phone calls. or why lately, when i say i'm going to read a book or clean my room or make a collage, i end up listening to music, watching TV, or playing computer games. the people i consider myself closest to, i don't know very well. we don't talk about much serious. it's easiest to feel alone when you are surrounded by strangers, or friends. or couples, that's the worst. sometimes it feels good to be alone. but lately, i just want, want, want. and this is a pretty personal entry for livejournal. sometimes i'm happy. sometimes i'm not. but right now, i'm neither. i don't feel much of anything. but i feel really off track. and really distant. and i miss feeling like i'm doing something, going somewhere. bored? maybe. most people would say i have a lot, maybe some people would say i always get what i want. but that's not true. because no one knows what i want. sometimes i think i know. but then i find out what i thought i wanted wasn't as great as i thought. i have decided i'm indecisive. and that's a fact. i hear all the right things from all the wrong people. so "please, please, please, let me get what i want. Lord knows, it would be the first time." Current Mood: melancholy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 16th, 2004
3:34 pm	"hang up fast, because the line's been tapped." i feel like doing something. but i don't know what. i'm out of summer school now. and i already feel like i'm getting eaten by all this extra time i've got on my hands. " in the kitchen, wash the dishes don't you ever, ever say my name!? if you wanna front front front front front front front then don't turn away. hell now, there's only one way out. " jetlag. crap. crap. crap. crap. crap. "obligations are so passe." Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
7:56 pm	i burn the boombox everynight. i've been having these dreams i don't know what they mean. but it's someone different each night. faces ever changing. i wonder if i will ever stop spinning. i wonder "where will i land?" if you would just fall asleep on the beach with me... if we could just move to a different country... fine, stay here. i will do it alone. i'm still waiting for you to wake the fuck up. Current Mood: discontent (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
10:49 pm	down, down life is decent. yesterday i listened to Lonesome Crowded West. that would have to be the soundtrack for the last year of my life that i miss. i miss my friends i don't talk to anymore. i miss being in a relationship as lame as that sounds. but i don't want to date someone just to be dating someone. but Lord knows i'm picky. :) awwwww. just listening to that CD, ...feelings coming back... i love my friends so much. and it hurts how we grow apart. sometimes i feel lost surrounded my mediocre friends. they're all cool.... [most of them anyway. haha] but...really... what do we know about each other? and the bigger question yet is: do i really want to get to know these people? eh, probably not. good friends are good to find, but hard. The Shins concert was tonight. i didn't go. i'm good, but lacking. i want what i see. ramble, ramble, ramble. anyway, i went to the beach today. and i am in love [with the beach]. i will fill my pockets with sand and remember you always. i just wish i could feel like this forever, even when the music's not playing. Current Mood: okay (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
12:07 am	eh. i am. i just read the last entry i entered in here and it definitely made me laugh. words coming out wrong. i get tongue-tied. i get denied. and I SUPPPPPPOSE... that's just life. [wordless without reason.] (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
11:35 am	i would love you at the beach. certain spots of background music in this song definitely remind me of playing Spyro the Dragon, which definitely makes me happy. dancing around in my pajamas to Coldplay, drinking coffee. trying to find a way to the beach. have you ever wanted something to happen, you dream about it, but in life, it's just not working out, it seems way too hard to get there, but for whatever reason, you just keep dreaming about it? it's a dream that just won't die. as many times as you say "i give up." everytime you dream, it just gives you that little jumpstart of motivation and the saga continues. i dreamed you kissed me. :X ;) Current Mood: cheerful (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 4th, 2004
1:42 am	Oh, i WOULD... and i WILL! i don't think i'm a bad person, not by any means. but, of course, like anyone else, i sometimes do some stupid things. and i've been thinking lately "i should stop procrastinating. i need to straighten myself out a bit." in the past few months i've done some pretty dumb things, [yeah, i know]. ha. so... i have the strongest conscience ever. i can't do one little thing wrong without feeling bad about it forever. i'm going to improve my life by a thousand [or maybe even more, like infinity]. i'm changing a lot of things, even my diet. i already had weird eating guidelines, but i could be a lot healthier. i'm going to start excercising too. i read this magazine article on "5 ways to help reverse asthma". haha. i'm DEFINITELY trying that! for a healthier, happier Jamie. don't get me wrong, i am happy now, but i could be happier. 4real. i don't know how i ever got so pessimistic. but this mood has been lasting a month or more, so, it's definitely time for a change. i just watched Bruce Almighty for the whatever-th time. i like that movie. it reminds me of how much i love God. sometimes, i feel like the person i love the most is the one i spend the least time on. that doesn't seem right at all. ::change:: "and if you want to sing out, sing out and if you want to be free, be free there's a million ways to be you know that there are. you can do what you want. the oportunitys on. and if you find a new way, you can try it today. don't you see it's easy you only need to know if you want to sing out, sing out. and if you want to be free, be free..." :) 8D !!!!! Current Mood: optimistic (Comment on this)
Monday, May 31st, 2004
2:13 am	i wrote this a while ago.[i was in a very Azure Ray mood].it's untitled.maybe for no purpose at all. I can't quite describe days like this. i dwell on all the things i'm supposed to miss. i'm stuck, longing for some strangers kiss. i try hard to smile buy i'm a mess. i dont know what went wrong but i feel so wrecked. i have to force myself just to get dressed. my jaw aches and i dont want to open my mouth. it's filled with this horrid taste and no matter how many times i brush my teeth it just won't leave me. looking back on childhook memories. things were screwed up then. we were just too naive. the past is stupid anyways but nothing fills these lonely days. i get lost in my reflection. i dont think i look like anything at all. i dont have anyone that will always call. when the sun sets on the 29th i still cant find my shadow, it died. everything is going quite all right. i just wonder where ill land tonight. ive been thinking of a crush i had. its so impossible. its so sad. i feel like i am catatonic sometimes. i get stuck staring at nothingness. where i cant see cant hear anything. thats how you make me feel. if i could move. id sure move closer to you. but i cant seem to find any of my thoughts. they were clear last night. maybe they just gave up. theres something distant that i want . ive never hadit. so memories from the past wont ever haunt. i just froze up, standing there. i certainly dont know what im doing here. im just trying to my place. but it feels so far, like outer space. im really not trying to bum you out. i really want to help you out. but sometimes i need you to help me too. maybe ill never save you, but ill always try please just hold me. tell me its okay to cry. and when you leave this town. i hope you wont leave down. i hope you wont forget me. but even if you do. i wont forget you. never forget that. (1 Comment |Comment on this)